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Separations are traumatic for many young children.  And sometimes they are just as traumatic for the parent.  It is very important for the parent to provide reassurance rituals to help their child cope with separations.  A Kiss in My Pocket is one of those rituals.

Between eight and twelve months old, a remarkable thing happens- a child discovers a Theory of Mind.  How do we know this?  The child begins to point.  She will point to an object and look back to see if Mommy is looking at that object.  If her mother points to something, she doesn't just stare at her mother's hand like she used to, but now she looks in the direction of her mother's pointing.  As Dr. Pawl says, "She now knows that her wishes and intentions can be in someone else's mind."  This is a powerful phenomenon that will later help the child tolerate a mother's absence.  It will allow her to soothe herself in situations where her mother is not there to soothe her.  Dr. Ron Lally has written a great deal on the implications for a child of knowing that she can be held in the mind of another.  Dr. Pawl describes the child who has experienced only being on the edge of a parent's schedule or concern.  When there is little sense of being held in the mind of another the child feels abandoned.  She is easily overcome by profound yearning and sadness.  She may be difficult to console and become insecure in her attachment.

Parents can help children develop a sense of being held in another's mind by explaining upcoming separations and providing reassurances of their return.  Also they can be sure not to let the separations become excessively long.  Finally, they can provide symbolic cues of being held in their mind such as pictures of themselves at work or with the child at home, or some cherished reminder of a time spent together.

Lyrics
When one of us has to go
And one of us has to stay
We say I love you
In a very special way

(kiss) I kiss your hand
Then you kiss my hand too (kiss)
Then put the kiss in a pocket
To keep the whole day through

I keep a kiss in my pocket
So I don't feel sad or alone
I keep a kiss in my pocket
Until we're both back home

When it's you I miss
I take the kiss
And see you in my mind

I hold you there
And forget my care
And end up feeling fine

I keep a kiss in my pocket
So I don't feel sad or alone
I keep a kiss in my pocket
Until we're both back home

Tips for Parents

• Explain upcoming separation to your child and assure them of your return
• Keep the length of separation tolerable and reasonable
• Provide symbolic cues of being held in their mind, such as kiss in your pocket
   

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